I just saw a hot homeless man
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
