My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
