He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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