He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
