sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
