just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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