oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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