I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
