i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
either way he was missing a nipple.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
