so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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