Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
