Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
