I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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