Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
