Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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