You're like the curious george of whores
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
