yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
