well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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