Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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