I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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