wanna go halves on a baby?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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