I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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