You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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