FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
