I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
