Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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