I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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