is your mom at the bar?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
