Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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