I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
