Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
