I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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