I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
