i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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