ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
