I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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