at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
