if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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