HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
