....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
