So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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