After last night, I could never be a politician.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
