I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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