So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!