I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.