Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
