I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
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I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.