His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
