I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
