I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
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