Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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