Betty ford says i'm here all night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
