so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
