If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
