the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
