So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
