I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
