Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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