I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
