I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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