I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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