Little spoons don't ask big questions
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
